Finally...

So, I'm finally divorced.

Finally? Yes, finally. The dread, regret, anger, sadness and a multitude of other negative emotions have,thankfully, dissipated and turned into feelings of progress, hope, excitement, adventure and other positive emotions.

Where I was shocked and hesitant before; now, I am ready and looking forward to change and the future.

Andy and I grew apart. I try not to ask the "what ifs" and the "could Is" because it wouldn't change anything. Do I regret it? Yes and no. I regret that I didn't realize where our relationship was headed. At one time, I was madly in love with Andy. Now, I love that he was a part of my life for so long and that we can be friends in the future. It was so weird to see him at the Fuckstomp Cancer event but it was a good thing. I wanted to hug him. Talk about his life the past few weeks; talk about mine. He will always play a large part in the person that I am today, the good and bad parts, and my curiosity, concern and happiness in his life will always interest me. I will always love him in one way or another.

However, these past few weeks made me realize that I wasn't happy with my life. Andy, as amazing as he is, was not meant to be with someone like me. I could go on about what type of person I am but that's for another blog. :)We were comfortable with each other because we had been together for so long. We were best friends; not a couple. We grew up together and transitioned from childhood to adulthood together. When a relationship is that old, you either grow up together or you grow apart. Apparently, we grew apart and I didn't even realize it.

Now, I can shape my life into whatever I want without compromising who I am. I can move forward and eventually do things with a person who's outlook on life is similar to mine. I'm a different person now, than I was 13 years ago, 5 years ago; even 5 weeks ago.  I no longer get anxious on my way home. I don't have to think about another person and their needs. Finally, for the first time in 13 years, I only have to think about me.

The entire process was made easier but the fact that Andy and I both realized that we had to get it done. We didn't really argue about anything and we were both on good terms throughout the process. We had a few hiccups but nothing that couldn't be worked through. During the high stress time, Andy and I handled it extremely well. I appreciated that he didn't turn into a long, drawn out process. While that might not be romantic love, I think we did the divorce this way out of respect, trust and friendship.

Again, while I'm a strong person, I couldn't have done this without my awesome friends. From the house warming gifts, help moving, words of encouragement, advice, dinner, happy hours, the list goes on and on, I could not have done it without my family and friends. I feel great because even if I sleep alone, I have people who care about me and people that I can count on when I need them the most.

So, to reiterate, I'm fine and happy. I look forward to the future. I have a good job, great family and friends, my health is improving and overall; I'm happy. Finally.

Thank Yous, New Beginnings, Family and Friendships...

First, I wanted to thank EVERYONE! I have received so much love in the past few weeks that it makes this all bearable. My friends from law school and high school, most of you are like family to me and to know that you are there for me makes it so much easier. I feel like I've been a terrible friend the past few years due to always "being busy." The fact that you are still there for me, despite the fact that I haven't talked to you often, miss calls, and/or cancel plans means you truly are great friends.  I'm going to work harder on that and keeping in touch and being a bigger presence in your lives. Watch out! :)

To my Crossfit family; WOW! This is why I Crossfit. The outpouring of love, advice, and help has been overwhelming. I cannot express the amount of gratitude I feel by being a part of Crossfit St. Charles and the Crossfit community.  I would not and cannot get through this without you. As much as I want to lie in bed, sleep and waste away; I know that I can go to the gym, workout, talk and be strong. Not just strong physically; but emotionally. The gym is a judgment free zone that feels safe. I never knew the power of our gym until I was at this place in my life. Kim, what you have created at the gym is simply incredible and inspiring. I'm sure I'll have my moments and I am so grateful to have you all in my life. I'm not going anywhere! You're all stuck with me! :D (At least until I get a pull up, LOL!)

Yesterday was the hardest day I've had in a long time. I got through it with the advice of some great friends and family. It was so strange to be in a quiet place. I really do feel like I have a grown up mentality with 18 year old fears and feelings. I've never lived on my own. I never dated after I was 16. I've never had the opportunity to make decisions just for me. I cried. Not to the point of having snot run down my nose; but close. It was more of a release. Thinking about my "what ifs" and what am I going to do? Luckily, I didn't dwell much since I had just had my third day of Crossfit and was EXHAUSTED!

I passed out and woke up with a new sense of calm. It's getting easier and easier. Don't get me wrong, I still have some times where I think back to when "I" or "Me" was a "We" but I feel liberated. I have a nice place. I am so career oriented and have huge goals. Last, but not least, I want to improve myself physically and emotionally. I need to take care of myself and just focus on me. I need to find out who I am as an individual and not as the other half of someone.

I am ready for the many adventures to come and to the self discovery that awaits in the future. I hope my friends and family will join me, call me out on my bullshit and be there for the ups and downs.

Love,

Mayra

Life: Always keeping you on your toes...

I’m typing this with a bit of a wine hangover ( I'm coherent I just have a small headache) but I just need to get this out. Please be aware that this post will be a ton of ramblings.

Andy and I are getting a divorce. I’m devastated. I’m losing my best friend and the person who was everything to me for the past 13 years. That being said, I know it’s time to move on. While I didn’t know Andy and I were at this place in our lives I’ve come to terms with the decision to split up.

While I share everything with the internet; I’m sharing this as a way to tell the people we know and to deal with my feelings on the issue. I know I’ll be ok, but I’m still hurting. I’m adjusting as fast and as best as I can. I still cry when I think about this and I am sad that I don’t get to keep my best friend and companion of 13 years. While Andy and I are both at fault for this I can’t help but want to put all the blame on myself. What could I have done to prevent this? Why can’t we work this out? Why didn’t I appreciate him more? I’m sure this is all normal and part of the process but I need to mentally deal with it myself.  Andy was the first and only person I trusted with every part of me. To lose that is devastating and difficult. 

Not only am I sad about everything I’m scared. I’ve never had to be on my own. I’ve always had Andy there to help me through everything; to comfort me. Now I have to live on my own, manage my life on my own and deal with things on my own. Lots of first. I’ve been with Andy since I was 16 years old. He’s been my rock, my support system and my best friend. I truly would not be who I am today if I hadn’t been with him. 

My friends and family have been great. I keep getting your messages, calls and texts of support. I want everyone to know that I appreciate it and I love you all. You are what keeps me grounded during this time. I’m going to keep working hard and go to Crossfit and process this. I don’t want anyone to be mean to Andy or say anything bad to him. If I can’t have him be my husband I’d rather have him be my friend than lose him entirely. Andy is an amazing person and I wish him nothing but happiness and the best in the future.  I’m not saying that, from time to time, I don’t want to punch him in the face or that I don’t think about him crashing into a cement median on the highway but I don’t want anyone to be mean or angry with him on my behalf. 

Lot of people have told me that being friends with your ex-spouse is impossible. I’m hoping that’s not true. Andy still wants to Crossfit and I don’t want to take that away from him. There is no fucking way I’m giving up my gym and he shouldn’t have to give it up either. That’s where we go to de-stress and to be with family. While it’ll be weird at first I hope we can eventually go to classes and competitions together. 

So, here I am writing, with a small headache and a broken heart. I’m at the point in everything where I feel I’ve lost the love of my life and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m just processing it and I think at this point I’m going to just do what I do best; work my ass off and Crossfit. Thank god I have Crossfit!

Happy freaking HOLIDAYS

With it being the holiday season I keep seeing posts on Facebook and other places making statements and questioning the verbiage of "Seasons Greeting and Happy Holidays" vs. "Merry Christmas."  It is SUPER fucking irritating. Come on people, your rights are not being infringed upon AND you are not being discriminated against because society suggest that you not be an asshole and at least attempt to be inclusive. Christmas is the holiday of ONE religion.

No one is barring you from saying "Merry Christmas"; it just implies that you don't give a fuck about anyone else. Say it to whomever you want: family, friends, significant others BECAUSE you KNOW they celebrate that holiday. If you don't then why would you say it? It could offend someone who doesn't celebrate that specific holiday or isn't religious.

That's just it, do you have to say or write "Seasons Greetings or Happy Holidays?" Of course you don't, just don't be irritated when people think you're an asshole. The majority of the US population probably celebrates Christmas. Andy celebrates Christmas and he's an atheist. Everywhere you go there are symbols for Christmas; Santa Claus, Reindeer, CHRISTMAS trees. These are ALL Christmas decorations. I might be wrong but I don't think I'd see Santa Claus at Hanukkah or Kwanzaa.  Christmas is EVERYWHERE, it's just nice to be more inclusive of other people by not always singling out a specific holiday, during a time f the year where MULTIPLE holidays are celebrated.  Nobody is discriminating or prejudice against Christianity or Christmas by saying Seasons Greetings or Happy Holidays. Most people are just trying to not be douchebags about not knowing which holiday you celebrate.

That leads me to my issue with people are really offended at hearing, "Merry Christmas."  Unless, it's done with malicious intent and the person is purposely trying to offend someone; I think most people genuinely want you to be happy during this time of the year. When people say "Merry Christmas" to me I don't go on some tirade about "How dare you! You don't even know if I celebrate Christmas!!" I just say "Thank you. You too! :)" Do you know why? Because I'm not a giant douche! I'm gonna assume that individual with the Santa Claus hat was just trying to be nice.  I don't think anyone is going to say "Merry Christmas" with ill intent.

<Evil Voice> "Merry Christmas! I hope you get lots of presents and are really happy spending time with your family!"

Everyone needs to chill the fuck out! I'm gonna post "Merry Christmas" on the 25th of December on my Facebook page but I'll say "Happy Holidays!" in most writings and to people I don't know because I want to be inclusive. I think Happy Holidays or Seasons Greetings incorporates all religions, even non- religious people and it's just plain nice. We are a melting pot and collection of multiple traditions, religions and cultures which is why this Country is awesome; however, it's just plain rude to assume things about someone's life. It's also rude to not be a nice person! :D

SEASONS GREETINGS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

Holy Moly!* WARNING!!!! Contains Graphic language and some really unpleasant discussions. Proceed with Caution!!!!

HOLY SHIT.  I had two BIG issues this morning. 1) Birth control (BC) and 2) Food. Since I'm an open book this will probably gross out, offend or just plain out make people barf.

So, these two issues really mess with my body. Regardless of what side you fall on, on the issues, these two things can really help or fuck up your body and performance in your work out. Let me give you some background.

First, I started taking BC when I was seventeen. I was sexually active and didn't want to get knocked up. My mom had me when she was sixteen and she struggled her entire life. She still struggles and all her kids are grown up. That being said, my mom taught me the importance of education and I've always tried to show her that her sacrifices weren't for nothing. Getting knocked up would've really put a damper on my educational pursuits.

I had a sex education class when I was in 5th grade. We learned about condoms, birth control, safe sex and the changes our bodies were going through. I am most definitely an awesome example that sex education taught me the importance of protecting myself from STDs, preventing pregnancy, and being comfortable with myself.

I got my first pack of birth control from Planned Parenthood. While my mom always said I could talk to her and to have safe sex, I didn't want her to KNOW that I was sexually active. So, I made an appointment and went to get my junk checked out and got my BC. I got to talk to a nurse who made me feel comfortable, didn't judge me and gave me a ton of information. I walked out of there with free BC and I never looked back.

Planned Parenthood made it possible for me to get through high school, college and even part of law school because I didn't have health insurance so Planned Parenthood charged me on a sliding scale. At first each packet of pills was free. I kept my packet in my locker and took them on time. Then, when I was a rich, college kid, working at Wal-Mart, I had to pay $5.00 a pack. I bought them a year at a time!!!!

BC was wonderful, it made my periods lighter, helped clear up my skin, I wasn't AS moody and I felt great. Over the years I remained on the pill until I switched to Nuvaring since I had problems taking a pill everyday at the same time. When Andy and I thought we were ready to have kids I stopped BC and opted to "just let it happen." After my miscarriage Andy and I realized that I am actually not ready to have children with my growing law practice. However, Andy convinced me that BC might not be the best thing for me since I've been on it for almost 12 years. I talked to my OB/GYN and apparently it's a myth but Andy was insistent that the "chemicals" and "hormones" were unnatural and not healthy. Fortunately for him, my current health kick has made me side with him... At least temporarily... ;)

That leads me into my food issue. So, I'm already without the benefit of my BC now. In addition to the lack of BC benefits I ate like shit this weekend. You know you fucked up when you wake up having to take a huge dump in the morning and then you have to go to the bathroom again, AFTER your workout. My Monday mornings normally start out with a personal training session at Crossfit St. Charles.  So, I went to my personal training session as normal and shit the bed (not literally, thankfully). It was terrible. I was sluggish, dying and could feel the pain EVERYWHERE. My stomach was burning! My intestines were burning! My workout was slow and I almost puked when I finished.

I ate Taco Bell, pizza, pasta, cupcakes, and anything else I could get my hands on. Was it because I was on my period and had cravings? I think so. But it was also because I just didn't give a shit. I was sore, tired, bloated, and cramping. I thought, "Fuck it. I deserve this!" Well, I also deserved how I felt this morning. I basically took my body feeling bad and made it worse by eating horrible quality food. I should've stuck to my plan and ate better.

While I felt shitty, I also learned a lesson. What you put into your body is what you're going to get out of it. Your body is a machine. Take care of the equipment. I felt so horrible on Sunday that I prepared all my food for the week. Now, I'm good and ready to eat healthy. I am not going to be too hard on myself since I'm human and am bound to slip up every now and then. I am just going to get back to it and push forward.

Basically, learn what works and doesn't work for your body. I know that all that crap I ate over the weekend was ridiculous and now I'm gonna push to be a better me so I don't feel like pooping myself every time I wake up and workout.

Ode to Hot dogs

Oh, hot dogs,
How I love thee.
You are delicious, but so terrible for me.
You are a combination of unknown meats
but are oh so delicious, especially in shells and cheese.
I love you with mayo.
Why aren't you paleo?
Mustard and relish are just some toppings
but DAAAMMMNNN no matter what you always be popping.
Nacho cheese and chili make you even better
especially during the summer weather.
I could eat you in the morning
or in the afternoon.
I would even eat you while holding a balloon.
I wish I could eat you everyday
but alas that would kill me and I don't want to go down that way.

P.S. Hot dogs, I love you.

The Dentista.....

Just got back to the office from the dentist. Man oh man....

So, I have no idea what needed to be done. Something about my crown and some cavities. Ok, cool. I've been to the dentist plenty of times. I take care of my teeth but like most people (don't lie) I just slack on the flossing. Despite my brushing, my genetics fail me and I always have to have something done. Andy on the other hand has incredibly hard or durable (whatever) teeth. (Douche!)

I go in today and need to get numb.... boooooo... well, it hurt like a B.I.T.C.H!!! I mean it was awful! I have no idea what the F was going on in my mouth AND I almost punched the dentist in the face. So close... but alas, I did not punch him in the face. He is really nice and I got done really quickly.

So. Here I am on my mother effing birthday with a sore mouth. Great plan, Mayra. But it'll get better since I'm going out to dinner in a bit. Where? No clue. When? Who knows? But if this is the worst part of my day, I'll take it.

On to bigger and better things as St. Peters Muni court.... Maybe I'll just go up there and get myself a new date....