30 years and 8 days old, The Good, the Bad and the Balancing Act

I’m sitting here this morning (9:51am), at my kitchen counter, contemplating what I have to get done in the short amount of hours I have today. I just received a text message from a client saying it was “URGENT and had to be fixed TODAY.” Legally speaking it isn’t urgent and it doesn’t have to be fixed today. It’s urgent because she thinks, in her life, at this moment, it’s urgent. This client contacts our firm EVERYDAY with information, concerns and issues that don’t matter to their case. Their case goes to trial in mid-September – all she is doing is creating more work for me (which costs her more money), when I could be preparing her trial. Ok, rant over on that.

So, I’m now 30 years and 8 days old. (When I started this I was, now I’m at 30 and 18 days ;D) I’m so “old,” right?! Just kidding!  :D I’m actually ok with turning 30. I love waking up early to go work out, I love working, and my career is going great. I recently got divorced so my personal life was crazy earlier this year but I’m in a good place. For the first time, I’m happy just being me. Am I perfect? I’d like to think so. I’m just kidding… kinda… ok, no really, I’m far from perfect but I think the person I am is pretty awesome. I’m finally at a point in my life where I’m physically healthy. Even more than I was in high school. I feel strong, confident and I have extracurricular activities that are AMAZING!

I have an amazing group of family and friends. I’ve met new people; some I wish I hadn't while others I’m happy to bring them into this adventure called: Mayra's life.

This is a common occurrence in my life. I get text messages, voice mails, emails, Facebook messages, and other forms of communication at various times of the day/night, weekends, holidays; ALL THE TIME. I often get asked by older attorneys why I don’t have work/life balance? Why would I give my cell phone to clients? Can’t you just shut off your phone? Don’t respond.

Here’s the answer. I am building a business. Not just an ok law firm in St. Charles where I can work in the surrounding counties. I want to build a multi-state law practice. Not just a firm that practices law in Illinois and Missouri but one that practices law in Texas, California, New York, EVERYWHERE. Could I be successful just in Missouri or Only in Illinois and Missouri? Of course! But that’s not all I want! I didn’t work my ass off, take on massive amounts of student loans and lose a marriage so that I could be satisfied with ok. Some attorneys only want their small practice and that is ok; for them. Not for me.

 I get so pissed off thinking about this. How is it fair to question my work/life balance? I’m young, barely 3 years into my profession and a woman. I have to work, at least, twice as hard for people to take me seriously, to value my opinion and to give me the opportunity to show them what I can do.  I don’t think most people that ask me(really, it’s tell me) about work/life balance  remember what it was like to start a law practice, don’t understand what it’s like to be a young, female attorney, and/or don’t have the same goals that I have.

I give client’s my cell number because I’m not in the office all the time. Also, I practice a lot of law that might have situations come up at night, weekends, etc. The police don’t just arrest you between 8-5, M-F.

I work all the time because I’m not just working on the legal issues of a case; I’m also managing a business. I have expenses, employees, payroll, taxes, accounts receivable and every other issue that comes with a business. Then I network. I spend time with other attorneys because my firm doesn't practice everything. It’s also good to find other attorneys that you can refer work to or use if you need a Guardian ad Litem or a Mediator.

In the next few years I want to have an office in at least 5 states. How am I going to do that? By working my ass off; sacrificing what I might want short term (boyfriend, kids, etc.) for a long term goal. People ask me when I’m going to have kids? When will I date seriously? When will I remarry? Do you want to be all alone? Is that something you’d ask a male attorney who wanted to do the same thing? No. I get asked so many questions just because I’m a woman. When I was married it was, “What does your husband think?” “Doesn’t he want kids?” My ex-husband was very supportive in the beginning.  The reason we got divorced was more than just my working. But the bottom line is my ex-husband didn’t want the same things I wanted. Do older men ask male attorneys about their work/life balance? No. 

Now, that I’m single I get asked, “How are you going to date if you’re constantly work?” “How/when are you going to have kids? My answers are always the same. “Dating isn’t a priority for me, right now. At least not with men that don't understand what I want in life. Besides, I don’t have time for anything serious, with someone who isn't going to support my goals. If it’s (a relationship or anything else) going to happen, it’ll happens.” Also, “You don’t need to be married to have kids.” and “I’ll have kids when I’m ready.” I also throw in the joke that I have a friend who is willing to help me out, in that area, if I am not married and have kids by the age of 35. LOL!

Unless I’m asking you for advice, which I rarely do, I don’t need to know about my lack of work/life balance. On my trip to San Antonio, as I sat across the table from my niece and nephew I thought, “Hey, I should have one of these right now. Where did I go so wrong in my life that my marriage failed and I don’t have a kid yet. I knew we were ready. I know, I’m ready now.” Could I jump into it now? Of course! After I got done feeling sorry for myself (A momentary lapse) I realized, I don’t want a kid now. If I were pregnant today would I keep it? No. My baby, right now, is my law firm. While I am sad occasionally at my decisions, I don’t regret them. They have all made me who I am today. So, don’t worry about me. I am very happy with my life and I’ll be ok. At least until I’m 35! LOL. ;)

Mayra's Back! Again! LOL.... :/

So....

I've decided to return to Tae Kwon Do (TKD) for, what feels like, the one billionth time. Whoa, I'm not quitting Crossfit! I'm just adjusting my schedule! Sheesh, calm down, lol! Ok, maybe I'm being a bit dramatic (that's how I roll)  but I started TKD in September of 2006 and then, different things (excuses) have caused me to quit, go back, quit... repeat. 

I LOVE TKD. I mean, LOOOOOOOOVE it! The classes are fun, the people are great, and there are so many benefits!

I always wanted to do a martial art (specifically Karate) when I was a kid but my family could never afford it. When I "grew up" I decided I was going to join a school where a friend attended. I went to observe a class at the Lyndell Institute. I went to just watch an hour class. The style they teach is Chung Do Kwan TKD. It is very similar to Shotokan Karate. After class, I was invited to do the class. I thought, "Are they nuts? I've never done this before." I was a junior in college, 22 years old and just wanted to "check it out." LOL. Well, never one to back out of a challenge, I did the class. I've been hooked ever since. 

I was so nervous. You have so many different levels, ages of people, traditions, and they are speaking Korean! A bit intimidating? Nope! Sharon and Jamie were amazing! The values they teach at the school make you feel comfortable with everyone. Nice and/or encouraging are not accurate enough descriptions of the environment they've created. It was so easy to do my first class and so easy to join. I never felt like I was holding anyone back and I received the individual attention I needed. I never looked back after that first class. 

The classes are fun. Everyone can have their own goals and still get something out of the class. The classes are structured in a certain fashion but are never the same. You are pushed as far as you want and then a little more. Your goals can range from working out to therapeutic; TKD is for everyone! The classes are great regardless of your fitness level and the instructors know how to cater to your teaching needs, both physically and mentally. I, personally, love being pushed beyond my limits and picking at the details. I think the instructors at TKD both get and do that for me. If you process information differently, they can do that as well. Plus, you're working with great people in class. 

High ranks, help lower ranks. If you don't get something, it's ok. We're all there to learn something. At one moment or another everyone struggles with something. Yet, I have NEVER seen anyone get made fun of due to not knowing what to do or how to do something. These people aren't just your classmates, or workout buddies, they are and will become family. I've never been judged for quitting or given any crap for my excuses. I'm just welcomed back every time. No questions asked. If you need something in or outside of class, someone is going to help you.

In addition to the classes and people there are so many benefits. I get  cardio, stretching, and stress relief. TKD is therapy. I walk in and leave life at the door. I can laugh, hangout, work hard, and talk to people about anything. I also LOVE to spar. The confidence and self esteem comes with your training and it's just amazing to see how everything you learn in class not only serves a purpose it translates into your everyday life. 

As with anything you do; you get out what you put in. So, here's my attempt at putting into TKD what I want to get out of it. To all my TKD friends and family, please feel free to "make/encourage" me go to class. At this point, I'm excited to go back. I don't want that to go away. So, maybe my first goal should just be to get to class. Blow up my phone, Facebook, whatever because, this matters so much to me. :) I know there are many TKD schools out there but I LOVE where I train. It's not just a business; it's a FAMILY. 

It's funny; my Crossfit gym and TKD school are so similar but so different. I am very lucky to have found both places. I need both to be the person I am because they fulfill different needs in my life. Crossfit has done so much for me and I can NEVER give that up. However, when I realized TKD had a 5:15am class I was pumped! I've changed my Personal Training days and I'm ready to go. Occasionally, I can't make it due to Court in the morning but I'll figure it out. I always do! 

Dating 101.... Ummmm... I think I'm doing it wrong...

In the past few weeks I've ventured into the dating world. Some people are shocked that it's so soon after I got divorced but I think my divorce was inevitable. Andy and I lived as roommates and friends for the longest time. I've mentioned it to a couple of people but my divorce was cathartic. I feel freer, lighter and just plain happy.

Anyway, last week, I mentioned that I was meeting people online. Whether you agree with online dating, dating in a more traditional way or something different, it  doesn't matter. The issues are still going to be the same. You never really know a person until you've spent a decent amount of time with them. Everyone has the persona that they are when they meet new people.

I know I say this all the time, it's cause I really mean it, but my friends are amazing. Here are some rules I've been told and I'll tell you what I think or how I've f'ed it up. They aren't in any particular order and are by no means all of them. These are just some that stick out.

1. Meet in a public place for the first time. (So, I did this every time except once.... well, we met in my neighborhood and went for a run so it's kinda public....plus, he was hot) Ok, so that was totally dumb but I'm learning. Plus, I trusted my gut. I know I shouldn't have done that; so, I wont.

2. Dont give out personal information. Ok, so I'm not very clever so when I created my account for one website I used my last name for the user name but "hid" my first name. However, when people ask for your first name and then your username is your last name it's dumb. Also, I'm kinda famous on the internet. LOL. Overall, keep some stuff for yourself until you get to know people. I mean, leave a little mystery!

3. Don't go boy (or girl) crazy. In other words, when you are online there seem to be an endless "supply" of people. Don't just start talking to everyone. Doing that leads to being overwhelmed and you end up wasting time on people you wouldn't have been interested in. The idea is to make a list of the criteria you want and then do some research. The profiles are there for a reason. Just because you are physically attracted to someone doesn't mean you'll like them, as you get to know them better.

The less mess and hassle the easier it'll be to manage your time, dates and people.

4. Know what you're looking for in this process. This kinda of goes with No.3. Whether or certain qualities you're looking for or even the type of relationship you're interested you need to know what you want and not be afraid to ask for it, look for it, and find it! Don't be afraid to make the list of what you want. That way you can weed through the endless "Hi!" messages.

This is by no means an end all be all list. This isn't even the most important lessons I've learned but it is a little glimpse into Mayra's brain. I only put this out there so y'all can see what's up AND as some therapy for this noggin of mine.

Note: Since I started writing this blog on Tuesday, April 8 and now, Sunday April 13, I shut down my two profiles. It was just too much to do, for now. No worries, I'm still dating it'll just be like I stepped back to the 1990s. I wonder if I can find a boombox to follow me around playing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGXzlRoNtHU.

Crazy Weirdos

 So, Mayra Flesner is now dating. Yup, drink it up. See what kind of crazy shenanigans I'll get myself into! :D How am I meeting these people you ask? That's a good question. I meet them on online dating sites. I have no qualms about doing this because this is how it works now a days.  There are two websites: Plenty of Fish (PoF) and OKCupid (OkC). So, I'm online because I'm always working and the only people I see are attorneys. We all suck (lawyers) so I figured I'd throw myself into the unsuspecting way of a nice, normal, guy.

Also, I'd like to say that I'm not dating to get re-married quickly or to fool around or whatever. I'm just hanging out with people. I'm having fun, no real expectations, and am seeing where it takes me. If I find the "love of my life," ok. If I meet a new friend; perfect! If nothing comes from it, that's a-ok! :)

There is so much that I apparently didn't know about dating. Especially online dating. I've been out of the scene for so long that everything has kinda changed. So it generally goes like this:

1. People find a person that they think they would get along with or are attracted to and message that person.
2. After a sufficient amount (socially acceptable) of messaging it either fades away or you move to the awesome part of giving them your number!
3. Then you text and in some instances, talk on the phone! Talking is pretty old school but I love it! It makes me feel like I'm 15 all over again. LOL.
4. If you make it past that... then you might meet!

Steps 1-3; I'm solid. It's the meeting part that I struggle in. I have to make an effort to meet up with people I don't know and don't have a real emotional connection with; albeit yet. My schedule sucks. I'm sure it's all my fault for not really making an effort but people can be pretty impatient. Some people are really patient and those guys are very nice!

So the blog this week is about the guys I've met. It hasn't been terrible. I'm not writing this to complain. I'm genuinely wondering what the fuck is going on here! I want to be clear. I have personally met some REALLY nice, cool people but unfortunately, that's not very interesting to people. LOL. I'm also wondering if there's anything to do about the crazies. Like, how do I get them to go away without being mean or an Order of Protection (J/K... but seriously).

So, I've gone out with a few guys and some have been fun and great, some are awkward and others I wonder how they managed to fool me into thinking they were normal.

They range in ages from 24 to 36. Their levels of education range from high school graduates to masters degrees. Anyway, the point is that the weirdos seem to outnumber the fun, nice and normal ones. Here are just a few examples of things that have been said or done:

• "Don't fuck up something that could be great. We are so close to fucking this up.... (after 2 dates)"
• Constant phone calls and texts, per hour, while I'm working, 8-5pm. (After hours is different.)
• Getting mad at me for working all the time. (My profile specifically says I work ALL THE TIME and that it's my main priority!
• "If you're not getting it from me, then you gotta be getting it from someone else." (What?! Just because I'm not having sex with you doesn't mean that I'm having sex with everyone else!)

Those are just a few of the winners. So, this just sounds crazy, right?! I mean we don't even know each other that well. 

Anyway, again, some of these guys are great. I do want to give credit where credit is due. I've had some really nice guys who have planned some awesome date.

Maybe, I'm the weird one since I don't know how it goes. I'll continue to post updates about my adventures and ya'll can tell me whether I'm crazy or not!

Next time I write, I'll talk more about the dating rules and what I've learned!

Finally...

So, I'm finally divorced.

Finally? Yes, finally. The dread, regret, anger, sadness and a multitude of other negative emotions have,thankfully, dissipated and turned into feelings of progress, hope, excitement, adventure and other positive emotions.

Where I was shocked and hesitant before; now, I am ready and looking forward to change and the future.

Andy and I grew apart. I try not to ask the "what ifs" and the "could Is" because it wouldn't change anything. Do I regret it? Yes and no. I regret that I didn't realize where our relationship was headed. At one time, I was madly in love with Andy. Now, I love that he was a part of my life for so long and that we can be friends in the future. It was so weird to see him at the Fuckstomp Cancer event but it was a good thing. I wanted to hug him. Talk about his life the past few weeks; talk about mine. He will always play a large part in the person that I am today, the good and bad parts, and my curiosity, concern and happiness in his life will always interest me. I will always love him in one way or another.

However, these past few weeks made me realize that I wasn't happy with my life. Andy, as amazing as he is, was not meant to be with someone like me. I could go on about what type of person I am but that's for another blog. :)We were comfortable with each other because we had been together for so long. We were best friends; not a couple. We grew up together and transitioned from childhood to adulthood together. When a relationship is that old, you either grow up together or you grow apart. Apparently, we grew apart and I didn't even realize it.

Now, I can shape my life into whatever I want without compromising who I am. I can move forward and eventually do things with a person who's outlook on life is similar to mine. I'm a different person now, than I was 13 years ago, 5 years ago; even 5 weeks ago.  I no longer get anxious on my way home. I don't have to think about another person and their needs. Finally, for the first time in 13 years, I only have to think about me.

The entire process was made easier but the fact that Andy and I both realized that we had to get it done. We didn't really argue about anything and we were both on good terms throughout the process. We had a few hiccups but nothing that couldn't be worked through. During the high stress time, Andy and I handled it extremely well. I appreciated that he didn't turn into a long, drawn out process. While that might not be romantic love, I think we did the divorce this way out of respect, trust and friendship.

Again, while I'm a strong person, I couldn't have done this without my awesome friends. From the house warming gifts, help moving, words of encouragement, advice, dinner, happy hours, the list goes on and on, I could not have done it without my family and friends. I feel great because even if I sleep alone, I have people who care about me and people that I can count on when I need them the most.

So, to reiterate, I'm fine and happy. I look forward to the future. I have a good job, great family and friends, my health is improving and overall; I'm happy. Finally.

Thank Yous, New Beginnings, Family and Friendships...

First, I wanted to thank EVERYONE! I have received so much love in the past few weeks that it makes this all bearable. My friends from law school and high school, most of you are like family to me and to know that you are there for me makes it so much easier. I feel like I've been a terrible friend the past few years due to always "being busy." The fact that you are still there for me, despite the fact that I haven't talked to you often, miss calls, and/or cancel plans means you truly are great friends.  I'm going to work harder on that and keeping in touch and being a bigger presence in your lives. Watch out! :)

To my Crossfit family; WOW! This is why I Crossfit. The outpouring of love, advice, and help has been overwhelming. I cannot express the amount of gratitude I feel by being a part of Crossfit St. Charles and the Crossfit community.  I would not and cannot get through this without you. As much as I want to lie in bed, sleep and waste away; I know that I can go to the gym, workout, talk and be strong. Not just strong physically; but emotionally. The gym is a judgment free zone that feels safe. I never knew the power of our gym until I was at this place in my life. Kim, what you have created at the gym is simply incredible and inspiring. I'm sure I'll have my moments and I am so grateful to have you all in my life. I'm not going anywhere! You're all stuck with me! :D (At least until I get a pull up, LOL!)

Yesterday was the hardest day I've had in a long time. I got through it with the advice of some great friends and family. It was so strange to be in a quiet place. I really do feel like I have a grown up mentality with 18 year old fears and feelings. I've never lived on my own. I never dated after I was 16. I've never had the opportunity to make decisions just for me. I cried. Not to the point of having snot run down my nose; but close. It was more of a release. Thinking about my "what ifs" and what am I going to do? Luckily, I didn't dwell much since I had just had my third day of Crossfit and was EXHAUSTED!

I passed out and woke up with a new sense of calm. It's getting easier and easier. Don't get me wrong, I still have some times where I think back to when "I" or "Me" was a "We" but I feel liberated. I have a nice place. I am so career oriented and have huge goals. Last, but not least, I want to improve myself physically and emotionally. I need to take care of myself and just focus on me. I need to find out who I am as an individual and not as the other half of someone.

I am ready for the many adventures to come and to the self discovery that awaits in the future. I hope my friends and family will join me, call me out on my bullshit and be there for the ups and downs.

Love,

Mayra

Life: Always keeping you on your toes...

I’m typing this with a bit of a wine hangover ( I'm coherent I just have a small headache) but I just need to get this out. Please be aware that this post will be a ton of ramblings.

Andy and I are getting a divorce. I’m devastated. I’m losing my best friend and the person who was everything to me for the past 13 years. That being said, I know it’s time to move on. While I didn’t know Andy and I were at this place in our lives I’ve come to terms with the decision to split up.

While I share everything with the internet; I’m sharing this as a way to tell the people we know and to deal with my feelings on the issue. I know I’ll be ok, but I’m still hurting. I’m adjusting as fast and as best as I can. I still cry when I think about this and I am sad that I don’t get to keep my best friend and companion of 13 years. While Andy and I are both at fault for this I can’t help but want to put all the blame on myself. What could I have done to prevent this? Why can’t we work this out? Why didn’t I appreciate him more? I’m sure this is all normal and part of the process but I need to mentally deal with it myself.  Andy was the first and only person I trusted with every part of me. To lose that is devastating and difficult. 

Not only am I sad about everything I’m scared. I’ve never had to be on my own. I’ve always had Andy there to help me through everything; to comfort me. Now I have to live on my own, manage my life on my own and deal with things on my own. Lots of first. I’ve been with Andy since I was 16 years old. He’s been my rock, my support system and my best friend. I truly would not be who I am today if I hadn’t been with him. 

My friends and family have been great. I keep getting your messages, calls and texts of support. I want everyone to know that I appreciate it and I love you all. You are what keeps me grounded during this time. I’m going to keep working hard and go to Crossfit and process this. I don’t want anyone to be mean to Andy or say anything bad to him. If I can’t have him be my husband I’d rather have him be my friend than lose him entirely. Andy is an amazing person and I wish him nothing but happiness and the best in the future.  I’m not saying that, from time to time, I don’t want to punch him in the face or that I don’t think about him crashing into a cement median on the highway but I don’t want anyone to be mean or angry with him on my behalf. 

Lot of people have told me that being friends with your ex-spouse is impossible. I’m hoping that’s not true. Andy still wants to Crossfit and I don’t want to take that away from him. There is no fucking way I’m giving up my gym and he shouldn’t have to give it up either. That’s where we go to de-stress and to be with family. While it’ll be weird at first I hope we can eventually go to classes and competitions together. 

So, here I am writing, with a small headache and a broken heart. I’m at the point in everything where I feel I’ve lost the love of my life and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m just processing it and I think at this point I’m going to just do what I do best; work my ass off and Crossfit. Thank god I have Crossfit!