So, I'm finally divorced.
Finally? Yes, finally. The dread, regret, anger, sadness and a multitude of other negative emotions have,thankfully, dissipated and turned into feelings of progress, hope, excitement, adventure and other positive emotions.
Where I was shocked and hesitant before; now, I am ready and looking forward to change and the future.
Andy and I grew apart. I try not to ask the "what ifs" and the "could Is" because it wouldn't change anything. Do I regret it? Yes and no. I regret that I didn't realize where our relationship was headed. At one time, I was madly in love with Andy. Now, I love that he was a part of my life for so long and that we can be friends in the future. It was so weird to see him at the Fuckstomp Cancer event but it was a good thing. I wanted to hug him. Talk about his life the past few weeks; talk about mine. He will always play a large part in the person that I am today, the good and bad parts, and my curiosity, concern and happiness in his life will always interest me. I will always love him in one way or another.
However, these past few weeks made me realize that I wasn't happy with my life. Andy, as amazing as he is, was not meant to be with someone like me. I could go on about what type of person I am but that's for another blog. :)We were comfortable with each other because we had been together for so long. We were best friends; not a couple. We grew up together and transitioned from childhood to adulthood together. When a relationship is that old, you either grow up together or you grow apart. Apparently, we grew apart and I didn't even realize it.
Now, I can shape my life into whatever I want without compromising who I am. I can move forward and eventually do things with a person who's outlook on life is similar to mine. I'm a different person now, than I was 13 years ago, 5 years ago; even 5 weeks ago. I no longer get anxious on my way home. I don't have to think about another person and their needs. Finally, for the first time in 13 years, I only have to think about me.
The entire process was made easier but the fact that Andy and I both realized that we had to get it done. We didn't really argue about anything and we were both on good terms throughout the process. We had a few hiccups but nothing that couldn't be worked through. During the high stress time, Andy and I handled it extremely well. I appreciated that he didn't turn into a long, drawn out process. While that might not be romantic love, I think we did the divorce this way out of respect, trust and friendship.
Again, while I'm a strong person, I couldn't have done this without my awesome friends. From the house warming gifts, help moving, words of encouragement, advice, dinner, happy hours, the list goes on and on, I could not have done it without my family and friends. I feel great because even if I sleep alone, I have people who care about me and people that I can count on when I need them the most.
So, to reiterate, I'm fine and happy. I look forward to the future. I have a good job, great family and friends, my health is improving and overall; I'm happy. Finally.
