Thank Yous, New Beginnings, Family and Friendships...

First, I wanted to thank EVERYONE! I have received so much love in the past few weeks that it makes this all bearable. My friends from law school and high school, most of you are like family to me and to know that you are there for me makes it so much easier. I feel like I've been a terrible friend the past few years due to always "being busy." The fact that you are still there for me, despite the fact that I haven't talked to you often, miss calls, and/or cancel plans means you truly are great friends.  I'm going to work harder on that and keeping in touch and being a bigger presence in your lives. Watch out! :)

To my Crossfit family; WOW! This is why I Crossfit. The outpouring of love, advice, and help has been overwhelming. I cannot express the amount of gratitude I feel by being a part of Crossfit St. Charles and the Crossfit community.  I would not and cannot get through this without you. As much as I want to lie in bed, sleep and waste away; I know that I can go to the gym, workout, talk and be strong. Not just strong physically; but emotionally. The gym is a judgment free zone that feels safe. I never knew the power of our gym until I was at this place in my life. Kim, what you have created at the gym is simply incredible and inspiring. I'm sure I'll have my moments and I am so grateful to have you all in my life. I'm not going anywhere! You're all stuck with me! :D (At least until I get a pull up, LOL!)

Yesterday was the hardest day I've had in a long time. I got through it with the advice of some great friends and family. It was so strange to be in a quiet place. I really do feel like I have a grown up mentality with 18 year old fears and feelings. I've never lived on my own. I never dated after I was 16. I've never had the opportunity to make decisions just for me. I cried. Not to the point of having snot run down my nose; but close. It was more of a release. Thinking about my "what ifs" and what am I going to do? Luckily, I didn't dwell much since I had just had my third day of Crossfit and was EXHAUSTED!

I passed out and woke up with a new sense of calm. It's getting easier and easier. Don't get me wrong, I still have some times where I think back to when "I" or "Me" was a "We" but I feel liberated. I have a nice place. I am so career oriented and have huge goals. Last, but not least, I want to improve myself physically and emotionally. I need to take care of myself and just focus on me. I need to find out who I am as an individual and not as the other half of someone.

I am ready for the many adventures to come and to the self discovery that awaits in the future. I hope my friends and family will join me, call me out on my bullshit and be there for the ups and downs.

Love,

Mayra

Life: Always keeping you on your toes...

I’m typing this with a bit of a wine hangover ( I'm coherent I just have a small headache) but I just need to get this out. Please be aware that this post will be a ton of ramblings.

Andy and I are getting a divorce. I’m devastated. I’m losing my best friend and the person who was everything to me for the past 13 years. That being said, I know it’s time to move on. While I didn’t know Andy and I were at this place in our lives I’ve come to terms with the decision to split up.

While I share everything with the internet; I’m sharing this as a way to tell the people we know and to deal with my feelings on the issue. I know I’ll be ok, but I’m still hurting. I’m adjusting as fast and as best as I can. I still cry when I think about this and I am sad that I don’t get to keep my best friend and companion of 13 years. While Andy and I are both at fault for this I can’t help but want to put all the blame on myself. What could I have done to prevent this? Why can’t we work this out? Why didn’t I appreciate him more? I’m sure this is all normal and part of the process but I need to mentally deal with it myself.  Andy was the first and only person I trusted with every part of me. To lose that is devastating and difficult. 

Not only am I sad about everything I’m scared. I’ve never had to be on my own. I’ve always had Andy there to help me through everything; to comfort me. Now I have to live on my own, manage my life on my own and deal with things on my own. Lots of first. I’ve been with Andy since I was 16 years old. He’s been my rock, my support system and my best friend. I truly would not be who I am today if I hadn’t been with him. 

My friends and family have been great. I keep getting your messages, calls and texts of support. I want everyone to know that I appreciate it and I love you all. You are what keeps me grounded during this time. I’m going to keep working hard and go to Crossfit and process this. I don’t want anyone to be mean to Andy or say anything bad to him. If I can’t have him be my husband I’d rather have him be my friend than lose him entirely. Andy is an amazing person and I wish him nothing but happiness and the best in the future.  I’m not saying that, from time to time, I don’t want to punch him in the face or that I don’t think about him crashing into a cement median on the highway but I don’t want anyone to be mean or angry with him on my behalf. 

Lot of people have told me that being friends with your ex-spouse is impossible. I’m hoping that’s not true. Andy still wants to Crossfit and I don’t want to take that away from him. There is no fucking way I’m giving up my gym and he shouldn’t have to give it up either. That’s where we go to de-stress and to be with family. While it’ll be weird at first I hope we can eventually go to classes and competitions together. 

So, here I am writing, with a small headache and a broken heart. I’m at the point in everything where I feel I’ve lost the love of my life and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m just processing it and I think at this point I’m going to just do what I do best; work my ass off and Crossfit. Thank god I have Crossfit!